Thursday, Dec. 4, 2014 at 4 p.m. EST will go down in history as one of the greatest Twitter moments of all time. That’s because that’s when the parody Twitter account @FauxPelini, inspired by the now-former the University of Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini, began penning, er, typing a legendary welcome letter to the new Cornhuskers coach Mike Riley.
TWITTER LETTER TO MIKE RILEY (WHOEVER THAT IS)
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014Congratulations on taking my job from me, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I know it’s not your fault BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014After starting off with a bang, the letter written by “Fake Bo Pelini,” who once influenced the real Pelini to carry a real-life cat onto a football field, began to dish out some much-needed advice to Riley (or whoever).
Even though you are mean I’ve decided to tell you what you need to know about your new job.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014The person behind the Twitter account, which has racked up more than 166,000 followers, got in a crack in on Nebraska’s athletic director, as well.
I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014And certain former employees … ahem, Carl Pelini.
IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014Fake Pelini then offers some more general guidelines to follow. Or maybe not to follow.
Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014Fake Pelini then takes aim at college athletics, in general.
Oh -- if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014BECAUSE SUNDAY THEY HAD A 45 MINUTE PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HOW I GOT FIRED FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH GAMES AND CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND THAT WAS IT.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014And then Fake Pelini bids adieu.
OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014Or maybe I'll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven't decided yet.
— Faux Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014Whatever the case, @FauxPelini’s dropped the mic for now.
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